A Peace which Passeth all Understanding

On September 10, the day after my first chemo treatment, the Dr. Roeland from the UCSD Moores Cancer Center, whom we met with the week earlier for a second opinion, called us with a special recommendation - to increase my treatment from Folfox (3 chemo drugs) to Folfoxiri (4 chemo drugs), which meant the addition of one more toxic drug, irinotecan.   Folfoxiri is considered experimental, and not standard treatment.

Dr. Roeland felt that because of my positive prognostic characteristics (youth and good health), that receiving a more intense treatment would increase the small chance of my becoming a surgical candidate in the coming months. He suggested that we propose his recommendation to Kaiser, and that Kaiser would need to be willing to do it in order for us to proceed with the Folfoxiri. But first we would need to decide if I wanted to do an increased treatment.  After all, the first chemo treatment really knocked me down in terms of nausea and exhaustion. The only word in the English vocabulary that I can find to describe chemotherapy is ghastly.  Iri is pronounced as eerie, which sounded ominous. 

And when I discussed this Folfoxiri option with my Kaiser oncologist, she went over all the harmful side effects, and said that it may not improve my chances anyway.  I was now faced with a difficult decision that I had to make by the next day.  Should I risk torturing myself with a more aggressive treatment when I might not even get a good outcome?  Fear and panic overcame me as I wondered what to do.  I was so overwhelmed that I did not see how I could possibly make a rational decision.  I thought about the query in the hymn, “Where Can I Turn for Peace?"

Who, who can understand?  He only one. 

The following youtube video was created 2 years ago as a dedication to a fallen war hero, but I sung the same arrangement by my conductor, Dwight Bigler, in a BYU Women’s Chorus group 15 years earlier.  The curly blond girl with the black in the front row looks like I did 15 years ago, so this video is a good representation of the song that ran through my head as I had a difficult decision to make. 

I decided to call my church leader, my stake president, President Ballif for spiritual guidance. He answered immediately, and kindly reminded me that I could receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost.  

Following Christ’s earthly ministry, he promised His disciples that He would not leave them comfortless with the following words:

 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

President Ballif advised me to find some quiet time to study the scriptures, make an informed decision to which direction I wanted to proceed, go to a quiet place and then ask the Lord if my decision was correct.  If it wasn't He'd let me know in the form of a stupor of thought- the opposite of a peaceful feeling.  So I took this advice. 

As I thought through the situation, it occurred to me that Dr. Roeland went out of his way to recommend the increased treatment.  He didn't need to think twice about me, as I wasn't his current patient.  The UCSD doctors were also scientists devoted to research, and had higher credentials than the Kaiser doctors.  After I prayed about my decision to move forward with the upped treatment, a peaceful feeling enveloped me. 

The very next day, a friend- a fellow mom from Carleigh’s school called unexpectedly and asked if she could come visit.  She brought with her a shawl that had been hand knitted from a Baptist women’s organization in Delaware. My friend was a caretaker for an elderly woman who had once belonged to this congregation.  The shawl had come from across the nation and was a very special gift.   I felt that it was symbolic of the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost at a time I needed it the most. I wore the shawl to keep me warm when chills from the chemo drug called oxaliplatin made everything I touched or tasted cold to the touch, and to remind me that the Lord would be with me to both make critical decisions regarding my care and to comfort me.

I believe the decision to move forward with the upped Folfoxiri treatment has resulted in my tumors shrinking enough for a 2- stage liver resection surgical chance for a cure- the first of which happened on March 15, and the second which will take place next week on May 18.  Thus far, every hoop we have needed to jump through has been opened to us. 

The following song by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, “He Shall Feed His Flock” reminds me of the peace I felt that day, the kind which “passeth all understanding” (Phillipians 4:7).