To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

Today is the year mark of my diagnosis of Stage IV colon cancer.  This has been by far the most intense year of my life, and it is bittersweet. After I was diagnosed, a friend gave me the following sign, which hangs in my entry way:

This year, I truly have been through things that were unimaginable to me pre-diagnosis.  Among them are:

·         17 rounds of chemotherapy

·          100 plus trips to the Kaiser cancer wing and Moores Cancer Center

·         Chemo side effects-such as vomiting, cold neuropathy, mouth sores, exhaustion, and dental emergencies

·         A colon and liver resection followed by a 6 day stay in Thorton Hospital

·         A major liver resection followed by a 10- day stay at Hillcrest UCSD

·         One surprise surgery with no anesthetic

·         2 surgery recoveries; Healing=pain.

·         Ominous prognoses on my life span.

·         Losing a colossal amount of hours in chemo, appointments, and recovery. 

At first glance, the bitter seems to outweigh the sweet. Yet when I think of all those who have helped carry me through this, there are too many acts of kindness to even list.  Every time I feel that the weight of this cancer ordeal will consume and crush me, someone shows up, unsolicited to lighten my burden in some way.

I have always been a choir geek.  The summer before my senior year of high school (1994), several of my good friends, my sister, and I sang in a girls choir and toured Europe for 6 weeks for the mere cost of $1200; an opportunity that will likely be both cost and safety prohibitive when my girls are in high school.  We wore geeky gingham dresses, and the caliber of the choir wasn't superb, but hey, we got to see Europe!

The director, Mr. V. had established the choir decades earlier, and was then in his 90's , carrying on his life’s work. We stayed with host families in back woods UK towns, saw the beautiful countryside, and sang "California" classics that were popular several decades earlier, like "Top of the World" by the Carpenters. 

In that era, Les Miserables, was at its height in popularity on the Broadway stage. 

The 2012 screen version starring Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway is decent, but I prefer the PBS 25th anniversary edition, and especially seeing it live onstage.  I love the message of kindness and redemption. Jean Valjean was a thief in pre-revolutionary France.  He had to steal just to eat, but then was imprisoned for 20 years.  When he was released from prison, he nearly returned to a life of stealing, when a good priest turned the other cheek and saved him from arrest even after he had attempted to steal his silver.  Jean Valjean then commits to a life of serving his fellow man.  The end of the play portrays his passing from earth life as those he served usher him into his eternal glory. On our choir tour, we saw Les Mis on Broadway in London and performed some of the songs in our concerts.   I had the opportunity to sing the part of Eponine in the epilogue.finale song with the venerable Mr. V. as Jean Valjean. 

I'll always remember the line that is sung in perfect harmony by Jean Vejean, Fantine, and Eponine before the heavenly chorus sings the finale reprise of "Do You Hear the People Sing:"

                           "And remember, the truth that once was spoken:

To love another person is to see the face of God."

The ancient Book of Mormon prophet Alma describes joy that was as “exquisite as his pain” (Alma 36).  Just as I couldn’t have imagined having to "walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” (Psalm 23), I also could never have imagined the infinite goodness and kindness that others have shown to me. I have truly been met with a tenderness that is divine. 

The current prophet of the LDS Church, Thomas S. Monson has said:

"We are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, strangers.”

As a result of this journey, I have found that strangers and acquaintances have become friends, friends have become family, and family has become more dear. I have seen the very best of humanity, and if there is one lesson I have learned, it’s to always give others the benefit of the doubt and to never be cynical.  I think back to Conan O’Brien’s final speech on his brief run with NBC’s Tonight show and his message has always stuck with me:

Conan speaks of his supporters making a sad situation joyous and inspirational, and that is exactly what I have seen as I have witnessed an incredible outpouring of support.

In Conan's words:  "If you work really hard and are kind, amazing things will happen."

The scriptures use the term “works of God” to describe these amazing things.  When I was first diagnosed, the question Why me weighed heavily on my mind, and I’ll admit it still does sometimes, a year later. While I have not received a scientifically sound response, the impression of a scripture from the New Testament  that I studied while receiving welfare training in the MTC to serve as a missionary in Honduras has come to mind:

1. And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

 2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

                                                                                                                          (John 9:1-3)

Throughout my cancer journey, I have truly seen the works of God made manifest in my life.  Although I would never have wished for this fight or would wish it on anyone else, I can say emphatically that I know that the hand of the Lord has been present in my life, because I have not had to fight alone, even for a minute. 

Here are just a few amazing things I have witnessed this year. Like this quilt that my dear friend Amber put together to show me that I was loved by many far and wide, I have seen a tapestry of service on my behalf. 

I feel that such an outpouring is undeserved, and that I will never be able to repay it, but I have been amazed to find that seemingly small ways I had reached out to others throughout my life has mattered more than I could have possibly imagined.  I have learned that nothing matters more than our relationships with others and how we treat them. 

Here are just a few ways in which the works of God have been made manifest in my life this past year.  This list is far from comprehensive:  

• My sweet husband who researches avidly, fights relentlessly, and loves me unconditionally even when chemo and surgery side effects make me ornery. 

• My dad who is always willing to give up entire days to drive me to chemo or appointments.
• My mom who takes care of my girls, helps clean my house, and stayed up with me 2 nights as I cried in post-surgery pain. 
• My in-laws who put me up in a hotel room just so I could be strong enough to make a flight for my BYU-Idaho conference as I recovered from surgery.
• My sister who sacrificed time away from her family to stay with me for a week at a time after both my surgeries and drove down from Utah just to take me to chemo.
  
• My brother, who drove out the minute I got diagnosed to make me laugh as I faced the bad news.
  
• My brother who is great at being my chemo buddy and watching dumb movies with me so that I don’t have to think about my last chemo or oncology visit. 
  
• My cousin who sacrificed time away from her family to hang out and take me to an awesome concert  my final weekend before surgery.
  
• Friends who have had my kids over and have driven them around when I couldn’t drive or was sick from chemo. 
• A friend who has sent me countless entertaining novels so I would have something to read in chemo and in the hospital.
  
• A friend who did a beautiful photo-shoot free of charge of my family before I started chemo.  
  
• A friend who always has a fresh-baked loaf of bread for me to settle my stomach after chemo.
• My cousin who flew out from North Carolina just to take me to chemo.
• A dear friend who flew out from Kansas just to reminisce about our college days and to help me unwind.
  
• My sister-in-law who drove an hour and a half just to clean out my closet
• My sister-in-law who takes my kids on chemo days and helps organize my house.
• My "sisters" from church who have cleaned my house from top to bottom several times.  
• Friends who delivered no less than 100 dinners during my chemo and post -surgery weeks.
•  Friends and family spending their Saturday morning to run 2 colon cancer 5K’s with me.
  
  
  
  
• Many friends and family who have generously donated to relieve our medical bills; some at great sacrifice. 
• Family who wear Team Carmen shirts, even remotely, just to show their support.
  
• Friends walking with me when I couldn’t walk on my own; literally and figuratively
  
•   Old friends I hadn’t seen in 15-20 years reconnecting with me and even visiting!
  
•  A friend who faithfully texts me each time I have chemo to check in.  
• A friend who prays for ways to show her support, and truly delivers!
• Family members and friends dropping everything to come see me in the hospital and hold my hand post-surgery.
  
  
  
  
  
• Friends dropping everything to take me to chemo or to appointments.
• Friends who leave love notes on my door for my first post-chemo homecoming.
  
  
  
• Friends who have gone to the store for me.
•  Friends and family who have sent or delivered flowers to brighten my day.
• Friends who have cried with me.  
• Friends who take me out and make me laugh until I forget I have any reason to cry.
  
•   Friends far and wide who send gifts and cards just to let me know they are thinking of me.
•     Neighbors who have done our yard work and have helped repair our cards. 
• Friends who  are willing to sit through the grueling ordeal of chemo with me.  One not only accompanies me to chemo but has created 2 sets of costumes for fun photo shoots. 
  
• Family and Friends who fast for me.
• Family Friends who put my name on their church and temple prayer rolls (I loved that an entire Catholic mass was dedicated in my name!
•  Friends who pray daily for me.

      On this day, I have accomplished a milestone which the oncologist who gave me my first diagnosis said I would not have met had I not caught this and had it gone untreated.  I am alive and feeling pretty alright on my off-chemo weeks.  Hey, today I even did an ab workout, and I can now run- well jog.

Yet The fight continues on. Although I would much rather have put this behind me and be on the giving end rather than the receiving end of such service, I am so grateful to all my family and friends, who remind me daily that the works of God are made manifest in my life.