Healing Balm

The night that paralyzing stomach pains kept me up until 3am, my mom called the ER.  Surprisingly, the on call nurse set me up with an appointment with my busy surgeon for the very next morning.  I thought I would see someone from his team, and was surprised that the appointment was with him.  I was accustomed to the fact that he had a gruff, blunt, demeanor, but occasionally he liked to tell jokes.  This time though, he seemed largely inconvenienced that I was taking up his precious time. 

"I got paged at 3am," he said.  "There is absolutely nothing I can do for you, you know."

"Nothing?" I said, as I couldn't stop the tears.  I was exhausted and run down and could not hold my emotions in check.

He continued:  "You know everything we do for you can either help you or harm you."

I laid on the patient table and just silently sobbed.  Well, this is a productive appointment, I thought.  And then it got even better.

A couple of weeks back, just a week out of surgery, I had asked him what he thought about me flying to Idaho in a month's time for my BYU-Idaho conference, which I was invited to speak at on the topic of leadership and adversity.  He said that it would probably be alright, but that we would see how I was doing.  Without any  questions from me, he said as he was leaving,

"Oh, and by the way, I don't recommend you go on that trip.  That speech you want to give just isn't that important."

Well, who was he to tell me what was and what was not important in my life? At that point, I resolved that I would write my talk and I would make that trip. Mom wasn't too keen on the idea either as she was worried about me straining myself at a critical period of my recovery, but I was determined.  Carl also resolved that he and the girls wanted to hear my talk, so they would drive and because I couldn't be in a car for 16 hours, I would take the flight to Idaho Falls which BYU-Idaho offered.

When it came time to go, I was unsure I would be able to go on the plane until the day of.  I had set up a contingency plan, with a pre-recorded talk through google hangout, but the technical aspect wasn't great, so I knew I just wanted to be there.  I barely felt well enough to pack my suitcase and pack the girls' suitcases, but thankfully I had some help. Because my flight left at 6am on a Tuesday, I was going to spend the night at my in-laws Monday so  and they would take me to the airport as Carl would need to begin the road trip with the girls on Monday.  We were having a major heatwave in San Diego at the time and my in-laws, who don't have air conditioning generously offered to put me up at the Holiday Inn so that the heat would not make me sicker. 

Both the flight from San Diego to Salt Lake and from Salt Lake to Idaho Falls passed without major incident and I made it to Rexburg in one piece. Amazingly, I was a lot more nervous about getting sick than actually delivering my talk to an audience of 200 people.  I was presenting with my friend, Kim, who had also served with me on BYU-I's management team and was also suffering with some help problems.  In addition to many cherished colleagues and friends whom I had worked with for the past 6 years, my parents, Carl and the girls, Aunt Pam and Uncle Rich, Grandma, and 3 of my Blackham cousins who were students at BYU-I, Josh, Jessi, and Corey were in the audience. 

It felt great to be able to share my story and to connect with many in the audience on a personal level.  Here is a video of the presentation.  My part begins at about 25 minutes, but I would also highly recommend listening to my friend, Kim's presentation:

In addition to being able to give that address, it was healing to be surrounded by such positive energy at the faculty conference.  Here are a few pictures with some of my great friends, most of whom I've worked with for at least 5 years.  Many have been following me and have been so amazingly supportive with texts, calls, cards, gifts, prayers, and fasting. 

As I reflected on how healing the trip was, it came to mind that although I need to heed my doctors in some things, that I know what's best for me more than anyone else, and that it is possible that I can heal myself.